By Kassandra Bibas -
In a wonderful book called ?The Four Agreements?, Don Miguel Ruiz says the following, ?Find your voice to ask for what you want. Everybody has the right to tell you no or yes, but you always have the right to ask.? When it comes to creating healthy boundaries, no other statement rings as true. You have the right to say no to anyone or anything. You have the right to turn down a request, a favor, an extra project at work, a last-minute, rushed babysitting request from a sibling who only calls you when he/she needs something. You are not an ATM that someone can enter in a code and get back a return at will. You are a human being with rights, responsibilities and interests all your own. You have the right to make your life and your family your priority.
Even knowing this doesn?t seem to keep people in a zone to powerfully and clearly say ?No? to demanding people. Demanding people are a unique breed. On the outside, they seem confident, poised, focused and able to get anything and everything they want. But pay closer attention to the tactics used to get what they want and what you?ll find is that demanding people are some of the most insecure, low self-esteem people you will ever meet. Any time you have to pout, whine, yell or demand to get your needs met, what you?re clearly showing is this: you don?t feel worthy enough to get what you need without the seemingly added advantage of anger, control and fear.
Demanding people will sap your energy, waste your time, and cause you to feel used, abused, and unfulfilled. Say no to that type of treatment. No matter who the demanding person is (family, friend, co-worker, parent, sibling, boss, spouse), it?s time you stand up for yourself. The next time a demanding person attempts to overpower your no by convincing you to say yes, here are five phrases you need to respond with if you are to create a clear and strong boundary line with that person:
1) My answer is no and that?s final (and then walk away, hang up the phone, or change the subject).
2) I?ve made major commitments to other people so I?m not available to help you with that. What other options can you now use? With this phrase, you turn the situation back to the person who owns the issue: the demander.
3) I won?t do that and I won?t explain so don?t ask for an explanation. Again, it?s about setting a clear boundary concisely and then holding to it. Be careful not to get caught up in the defending-explaining-justifying syndrome where you spend fifteen to twenty minutes talking about why you?re saying no. That clearly tells the demanding person that you don?t trust your own judgment. Moreover, it confirms to them that you can be convinced otherwise.
4) I notice that you can get very demanding when you don?t get what you want. Unfortunately, my answer is firm so any more talk about it will be wasting both of our time. This is a harsh way to say no but harshness is sometimes necessary for someone who doesn?t take no for an answer. Say this like you mean it and that person will get the message.
5) You?re really good at expecting people to drop everything they?re doing to accommodate you and I?ve bought into that for a long time. But that time is over. My needs are as important to me as your needs are to you and since those have to come first, my answer is no. This statement really addresses past behavior and spells out clearly that while you may have been a people-pleaser before, it is something you are now choosing to no longer do. When you say this statement, you better mean it.
At the end of the day, it?s not simply what you say but HOW you say it. Demanding people use their tone of voice, body language, and their words to push their agendas on other people. If you?re going to be a person who can set a firm boundary with someone who?s demanding, you?ll need to command the strength, clarity, and definiteness of purpose that it takes to concisely, completely and firmly state the truth. It?s not about people liking you or needing you. At the end of the day, if you don?t say yes to a demander, he or she will find someone who will. Do not be deceived by excuses, pleas or threats. You have the right to say no. Exercise that right.
Kassandra Bibas is an Associated Certified Coach (ACC) and is Chief Knowledge Officer at ROI Coaching. ROI Coaching has one mission: to uplift and change people?s minds about the greatness of their lives. Her motto: Do it now!
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Source: http://theselfimprovementblog.com/self-improvement/featured/how-to-say-no-to-demanding-people/
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